Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
