Soap is not a condiment
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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