everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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