I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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