Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
