So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
