i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
