I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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