I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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