His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
