I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
