Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
