i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
