Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
