the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
