you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
