I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is the high leading the old right now
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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