Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
