just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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