Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
