apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
