nut hugger
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
