It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I didn't notice because vodka
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
