also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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