I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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