i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
