Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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