Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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