then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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