Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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