the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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