I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
