Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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