mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
