fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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