I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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