rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize