He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
