just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
