the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
