I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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