he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
