i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
