She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
