I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
