My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
