I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
