So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
