You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
