So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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