I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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