Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
