Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
