Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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