True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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