I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
