Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
