apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
