Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
