dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
